I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
