I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
