he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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