yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
