yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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