Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
