Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
