Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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