3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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