At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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