I checked into jail on foursquare
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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