come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
