How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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