I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
