Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
