WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
