Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My vagina just recognized that song.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
