You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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