I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
