The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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