Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
