home. puking in laundry basket.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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