Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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