You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
