I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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