You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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