My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
