Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
