What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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