Swine flu. Run for my life!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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