Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
