I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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