i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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