Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
