I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
