You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I checked into jail on foursquare
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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