You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
