I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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