I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
