in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
