I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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