I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
