i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I would ride that face into the sunset
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
