Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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