so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
