So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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