I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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