Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
