He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
