my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
