bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize