You can't motorboat a personality
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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