Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize