I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
