he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
