Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
