I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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