I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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