Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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