I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
