so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
