but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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